DAD MODE…ACTIVATE…
When I was young and dumb(er), I told myself that I’d be happy to die young before the ravages of age manifested themselves and that I’d never have children. Now, as I rampage towards the end of my 47th year, I can reflect back and comfortably call my younger self an absolute idiot and a charlatan. I like being alive and becoming a dad changed me in a way that nothing else has. It was like unlocking a piece of my self-conscious that was hidden away and lying in wait for the right conditions to strike.
Let me lay it out for you and strip it down to its bare bones.
Mother Nature has decreed that young men experience the mighty cocktail of testosterone and growth hormone through puberty and beyond. These are extremely powerful hormones that underpin incredible feats of physical development, strength and power but they’re not so great at helping decision making or developing good judgement. But they do fuel our instincts such as thrashing out a natural pecking order of champions, leaders and followers in the school playground. It’s in this most important and challenging environment, that we learn social skills and diplomacy including the application of force when required. I like to think I’m an amiable person and I'm certainly no pugilist. I never found fighting to be a fun outdoor pursuit and certainly not a desirable one, but I did learn that it’s acceptable to defend yourself and those around you and that escalation trumps retaliation.
As we grow older, our instincts 'mature’ and we start finding new things attractive in ways that stir up unfamiliar and confusing emotions of lust and the desire for companionship beyond the circle of our friends.
After much trial and error, embarrassment and rejection, we are then released from school and out into the world barely comprehending what part we will play and what’s really expected of us. BUT, looking back, I can also see that the playground melting pot taught me a lot about those two base, primal instincts of finding your place within the hierarchy and what boils down to looking for a mate. I know that because we learned to navigate them with restraint and judgement based on good manners, chivalry, understanding of right and wrong and treating others in a way that you yourself would like to be treated. Letting your instincts run riot is not acceptable behaviour.
I count myself amongst one of the luckiest people to have ever have walked the planet. One reason is that I found life in the military a natural place for me and that I was able to retire from it alive and with all of my limbs still attached and another is that I found the perfect mate. I’m not going to lie and suggest that I was a great soldier or leader or that it was love at first sight when our eyes met across a crowded room. It took time and effort and I slowly grew into both roles.
You might say that I had fulfilled the calling of those two strong, deep-rooted instincts by applying what I had learned alongside constant refinement through more trial and error with lashings of embarrassment and failure on the side.
But then came the arrival of my eldest daughter and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to adequately describe the magnitude of psychological change she brought with her. At 33 years old, my hair was still (mostly) black, I had amassed a decade of military experience and I was still clearly virile😁; I thought I was a grown up. Au contraire my sweet summer child.
Melissa’s labour was not easy and we had been expecting Isla to arrive for a good 24 hours by the time she actually appeared. The staff at Dr Gray’s Hospital Maternity ward were amazing and I was pretty awestruck at how they went about this most delicate business. I was indebted and grateful to them…right up until the moment I saw my little girl.
Incidentally, we didn’t know if we were going to have a boy or a girl and so seeing that I had a girl was the most wonderful surprise.
Right up until that moment, everyone else in that room had been our saviours, supporters and carers. In the space of a few breaths, they became a threat. My instincts went through a washing machine of immediate, suffocating and unconditional love and adoration for both of them. Honestly, it made my heart ACHE. Then those feelings suddenly gave way to what I can only describe as a cold, almost murderous state of observation where my brain started to reassess every single other person in that room as friend or foe apart from baby and mama. A switch that had been hidden in my genetic code for 33 years was suddenly flipped and I felt a completely overwhelming urge to protect my daughter from anything. It’s the immediacy and power of that instinct that I cannot overstate or adequately articulate.
Every interaction from that moment onwards was then conducted with ‘PROTECT’ flashing before my eyes. I had never pondered how I might be able to balance tenderness, delicate care and consideration for such a tiny bundle with such alertness and readiness in the same moment. Every day is school day and I learned a whole bunch about myself and the meaning of life in that 24 hours.
To this day it lurks in the back of my mind and will not shut off. Of course, it extends to everyone in the circle of my family (yes; that 100% includes my dogs) and friends but it was truly born in that moment along with Isla.
The feeling is so powerful that I often wonder if I’m alone in this. I don’t believe that I am; humans have been reproducing for quite some time now, but I don’t hear other people talk about it. Indeed, I’ve only reashared my recollection with Melissa over the years and she still looks at me a little funny. But it could just be the fact that I’m going bald but growing white hair out of other places.
So what? Why am I spouting all this? To be fair, I’m not 100% sure myself; it’s good to get some of my random thoughts into the open to free up head space. I guess that I’m acknowledging that being a dad is more than just a calling and that it’s very much part of who I am now. I’m certainly not the same naive dude I was in 2010.
Part of my job as a dad is the protection and well-being of those I hold dear. If you need me, I’ll be in the gym doing my best to uphold my ability to do so.
